A day to die

It's a selfish thing wanting to die. I must live for my daughter but how do I hold on to the day when all I can do is breath in sadness. I wanted to die today. I still can't see the light but I'm here trying to fight. Not even sure if my life is really worth it.
I wish things could be different.
I wish I could be normal and healthy and happy
Not this freak of ugly nature and a monster

To die

I don't know what's going on with me. I keep screaming and yelling and being really vicious. All I keep thinking in my head is that I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
My brain fighting against this saying "it's just a bad time" "it's just a phase" "this too shall pass"
But what if it doesn't.
I'm not being an able person. I am not surviving this personal hell that I am in.
My daughter deserves better than a miserable person like me. Still I feel so protective of her. She's the only one keeping me going. The only reason I wake up. The only sun in my life. Everything else means nothing to me anymore. Yes it's depression, whatever, I'm sick of hearing the word.  Yes I'm on medication, obviously it's not working yet. Between my physical and mental health. Where are these sudden bursts of aggression coming from? Why is this happening to me? I am so angry. I am so upset, I am climbing the walls and I'm just so out of control. I am fat and ugly and maybe I should just be put out of my misery.
Sure anyone reading this will put me away for sure. But most people never see this side of me. Most people I see think I'm this wonderful, giving, compassionate person. Inside I am postal. Rage, rage, rage, anger, fury, deep purple from shaking, mad like a raging bull. Pacing like a caged lion begging to be freed.  What is happening to me. Have I finally flipped? Has all the sadness from all the years finally eaten away at my sanity? I'm scared.

Trying to survive depression

Therapy, psychiatry, anti anxiety and anti depression pills and all I can say is that I've gotten a lot worse.
I've had real Zombie days where I knew I was alive but couldn't bring ME out of the walking dead woman.
I've never taken drugs so I'm amazed how one little pill for anti this and that could mess me up so much.
I don't have the time or the strength for this, I'm a mom and I need to be on top of things for my baby girl.
I'm not sure these drugs really do any good, I'm hoping things will work out soon.